Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Assault Umbrella Terrorizes Students

By Donald Sensing

Oh, no! Assault umbrella sighted on a university campus!

First they came for the assault umbrellas, but I didn't object because . . .
A report of man carrying a rifle on the campus of Cal State University San Marcos prompted a campuswide lockdown and search by local law enforcement officials Wednesday.

Officials told NBC 7 they determined the man involved was carrying an umbrella, not a rifle.

The initial report described a bald man carrying a rifle on the campus north of San Diego just before 9 a.m., San Diego County Sheriff's Deputies said.

Campus police put the university on lockdown and began a security sweep. After searching for 30 minutes, no suspect was found, no shots were fired and no one was injured.
So the campus got through another day threatened by the deadly assault umbrella!

Here's a clue (when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail department):
Some students who were working on campus Wednesday had just been trained the day prior for the possibility of an active shooter on campus.
Maybe they should have been trained in identifying just what an active shooter would be shooting with. Maybe the instructor used this firearms identification chart:

But wait! There's more!
“It’s definitely scary knowing someone could be around the corner, you know, with a gun,” said Lane Giammalva. “You just have to remain calm, protect yourself and protect the people next to you.” 
“It’s definitely scary knowing someone could be around the corner, you know, with an umbrella!”

Don't worry, Lane, you'll find a psychologist at Cal State to certify you qualify for disability for PTSD induced by the mere thought that if someone was carrying an umbrella, she might have been carrying a rifle!

That's a real product, btw, and it is an umbrella, not a rifle. But campus lockdown because of an umbrella spotting is not new at all.