Scientists with time weighing heavily on their hands have proven that vampires cannot exist. These are, btw, serious scholarly articles.
The reason is very simple: if even one vampire ever existed, the global population of earth would become vampires within short order. Vampires subsist only on human blood, biting victims on the neck to get it. But the bite turns that person into a vampire, too. S/he then must bite others, who in turn become vampires and must bite others, etc.
One scientist established that just one Nesferatu, biting his first victim in 1600, would have resulted in in all 536,870,911 people of the earth becoming vampires within only two years. But then how would the vampires eat? They're predators, not cannibals.
The vampire empire (heh!) would be so quickly established, wrote one scientist, because defense measures by uninfected humans - stakes through vampires' heart, garlic, etc. - could not defeat the vampire triumph, only delay it somewhat.
Also, says the scientist, vampires have no natural enemies. 
However, that is patently untrue because I know, thanks to this vampire, that vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies and are killing each other off in carload lots all the time. Well, the ugly ones do, anyway.
So there you are - vampires do exist and if it wasn't for Vampire Kate and her like-minded friends, we'd probably all be werewolves by now. But if I ever get a choice of becoming either a werewolf or a vampire, I'd sure rather spend my years in the undead hanging around with a creature that looks like Vampire Kate than vampires' enemy, who looks like this:
And admit it, so would you.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Dracula proven not ever to have existed
By Donald Sensing
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2 comments:
This is an especially stupid paper, since it only proves that movie vampires don't exist. If you consider, for example, the sort of vampires found in Bram Stoker's Dracula, the entire paper falls apart. There, sucking a person's blood doesn't make him a vampire, it only makes him less healthy, or (ultimately) dead. In order to create a vampire, the vampire had to cut himself and force the victim to drink his own blood back (known as the "blood baptism" of a vampire).
There's something similar in Ann Rice's Interview with a Vampire; again sucking blood from a vampire is necessary to become one.
Whoever the original physicists were, they've proved once again that physicists often know little outside of physics.
Donald, this is perhaps your best -- and most unexpected -- post ever, notwithstanding Chris' criticism of the methodology of the report.
Your conclusion as to which group would be more (ahem) pleasurable to hang with is indisputable.
Dead, undead; what a babe.
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