WASHINGTON, D.C.--The hero of Northwest Airlines Flight 253, lauded by passengers as the man who first reached would-be bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, will be arraigned this week under federal charges, the US Justice Department announced today.
Dutch citizen Jasper Schuringa was sitting a few seats away from Abdulmutallab when he heard popping and saw smoke and a glow coming from Abdulmutallab's seat. Schuringa was the first passenger to understand that Abdulmutallab was endangering the aircraft. He leapt over intervening seats to tackle and subdue Abdulmutallab, joined very quickly by other passengers.
Abdulmutallab has already been charged with attempting to destroy the airliner.
In announcing the pending charges against Schuringa the Justice Department spokesman said that after being treated for his burns, Abdulmutallab told a federal agent that Schuringa had slugged him in the mouth. Abdulmutallab pointed to his swollen lip as evidence of the assault.
"It's now well established in anti-terrorism operations that you cannot just go around slugging murderous terrorists in the mouth," said the spokesman. "What's fair for Navy SEALs will be fair for Mr. Schuringa. The law is the law." He added that Attorney General Eric Holder had approved charging Mr. Schuringa with assault.
The spokesman's reference was to the pending court-martial of three Navy SEALs facing assault charges related to their capture of Ahmed Hashim Abed, the terrorist who planned the March 2004 ambush, killing and mutilation of four American contractors in Fallujah, Iraq. The contractors' burned bodies were then hanged from a bridge in the city. After being captured by the SEALs last month, Abed claimed that his fat lip was caused by one of the SEALs punching him in the mouth. Military officials arraigned the three SEALs earlier this month on multiple charges, including assault.
"After eight years of human-rights abuses," said the Justice Department spokesman, "including who knows how many incidents of terrorists getting punched in the mouth, we are finally showing the world that the United States will no longer mistreat people who want to blow us up. We are making it very clear that no terrorist should fear getting a fat lip. Jasper Schuringa crossed a line by brutally hitting Mr. Abdulmutallab in the mouth, and he will have to pay the price for his inexcusable violence."
This post is satire.
Sunday, December 27, 2009