Marine Corps plans to fix funding shortfalls

WASHINGTON, D.C. HQUSMC (Marine Corps Times)  --  General Joseph Dunford, Commandant of the U.S. Marine Corps, announced today that the Corps' financial officers and managers just completed a $17 million purchasing program of Powerball tickets for Wednesday night's drawing.

Marine Corps dreams big!

"We had to rob a lot of Peters to pay this Paul," Gen. Dunford explained. "But once we get that big $1.5 billion check it will all be paid back. And remember - we are a federal organization, so we do not have to pay taxes on the swag."

The Marine Corps, which is part of the Department of the Navy, has long complained about being short funded by the Defense Dept. and the Navy.

"As the old gunny saying goes," said Gen. Dunford, " 'We have done so much with so little for so long, that we can now do almost anything with nothing'."

Sources told the Marine Corps Times that funding for the ticket purchases was found by stripping non-essential programs and scheduled purchases to funnel the monies to local gas stations, convenience stores and smoke shops where Powerball tickets are sold.

Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps Ronald L. Green said that rank and file Marines would see little change because of the shifted funding.

Maybe a little more of this every day...

"They might notice that mess halls are gong to serve only two meals per day," he said, "and one of them will be MREs, but that's no big deal. Also, the Class Six stores won't be open on weekends until after we collect that big check. And OPTEMPO will be slowed slightly, so more of a Marine's training time will be spent on close-order drill, maybe three or four hours per day. But as I said, not much difference for Marines to notice, we think."

Headquarters, USMC, released a partial list of spending priorities for the anticipate $1.5 billion haul:

1. Complete refurbishment of 8th and I, to include Olympic-class athletic facilities, $200 million.
2. New and expansive officers clubs at Camps Lejeune and Pendleton, complete with golf courses, pools and courts, $320 million.
3. Remodel and refurbish all senior NCO clubs, $100 million.
4. Remodel all junior enlisted clubs, $2,360.
5. Increase Congressional Liaison staff at HQUSMC (though no, coff, "lobbying" of Members of Congress will be done), $75 million.
6. Secretary of the Navy private dining room enhancements and cuisine improvement, "because the only way to keep the Navy's hands off our winnings is to bribe the guy at the top," $25 million.
7. New staff cars for colonels and above, $25 million.
8. Electrical bayonet sharpeners, one per enlisted Marine, $46 million.
9. New mops, brooms, waxers and cleaning equipment for every barracks, $95 million.
10. Reissue umbrellas for White House Marine detail in USMC scarlet and gold, with "Oo-rah!" emblazoned on two sides, $100,000.
11. Replacement of sand pits at Parris Island and San Diego, $50 million.
12. Start, equip and train the USMC's very own aerial demonstration teams:
1. F-18 fighter aircraft, "because the Marines are sick of maybe getting one slot on the Blue Angels," according to the press release.
2. AH-1Z Super Cobras, "because we have attack helicopters like the Army does, only ours are older, slower, less heavily armed, less sophisticated and less lethal. But they look cool."
3. A parachute demonstration team, "because the Navy's Leap Frogs usually include only one or two Marines and the Army's Golden Knights never include any."
4. Total first-year costs for these teams is estimated at $450 million.

"Marines are winners," said Gen. Dunford, "and that is why we know we will win this big jackpot. The numbers WILL fall our way!"